Being the bad man at home

We had gone into Borders to do some book shopping. My daughter especially was hunting for books to buy as part of her birthday gift stash, which she had carefully kept in the new Barbie Princess wallet that she had added to her collection of gifts. While we were all hunting for books (I can't step into Borders without buying one), my daughter was wandering all around in the kids section trying to lay her hands on the books that she wanted. She did not realize that she had left her purse lying around.

So after we finished picking up our books and were ready to pay and step out, she realized that her purse was missing. A frantic search ensued to no avail. The purse was missing and along with it, the birthday stash that she had accumulated. My baby was heart-broken. She went on saying that "How can people do this? It's not good to steal. It's not fair!" amidst huge sobs. The only thing I could do was to hold her close and try to calm her down, something which she steadfastly refused to do.

While she had lost the money to buy the books, she still wanted us to buy them for us. And that is where I put my foot down. I tried to explain to her, as patiently as I could, that while it was wrong on the part of the person who stole her purse, it was as much her mistake for keeping it lying around. Had she kept it with her, she would still have her wallet with its contents safe. Instead she had neither. And I kept on reminding her that if I bought the books for her, then it would be as if I lost the money. Cause she would get what she wants without understanding the loss or the mistake and therefore the reason to correct her behaviour.

Her mom, being like every other mom, chipped in saying that from now on, she would carry my daughter's purse. That to me is the opposite of the solution. Instead of making my daughter more responsible, that would mean that we shoulder her responsibilities and in the long term, make her a complete wimp who is dependant on her parents for every thing. I want my daughter to be strong and independant and be able to hold her head high while standing side by side with me, not cowering behind me. Thankfully, my wife understood this.

After a few sobs and a few more "It's not fair" statements, she eventually managed to calm down. We even had great fun at dinner.

Last evening, when I got back home, my daughter kept saying to my wife "Let's go". Without needing to ask where she was going, I asked her if she was taking her mom to buy herself a new wallet. One thing I appreciate about my daughter is the fact that while she did not want me to know, she would never lie to me. So I sat her down again and explained to her why she will not have a new wallet. I even gave her a scenario. I asked her to imagine that we leaving the car keys, a bunch of money and some shopping in our car and then the car getting stolen. Would we be able to go to the car dealer the next day and buy another car? Just cause we lost one?

"No," came the prompt answer. "A car is so expensive."

"So whose mistake was it that the car got stolen?"

"Our mistake."

"And whose mistake was it to leave the purse lying around?"

"Mine."

"So who should take responsibility for it?"

"I should."

"Who lost all the money?"

"I did."

"Did Pappi lose the money?"

"No."

"So should Pappi have to pay for something that he did not lose?"

"No."

I think, at that time, she really disliked me. I was putting a damper on everything she was saying. But I don't want her to grow with the notion that it's ok to lose something cause her parents are going to buy it for her anyways. While I want to give her everything I can in this world, I want her to grow up appreciating all of it and the value of it all, not in terms of money, but the effort that goes into earning it.

I don't like to be this person who is the "bad guy" at home, who puts a spoiler on things. But I think it is far more important for her to be a better person and not a pampered brat who gets what she wants just because she threw a tantrum or shed a few tears.

I hope she will appreciate it some day. I hope I'm doing the right thing.

Being a parent is like uncharted territory. Every single decision leads to a new path.